


Simon vs The Green-Eyed Monster

by roelliej



Category: Leah on the Offbeat - Becky Albertalli, Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Boyfriends, Boys In Love, Dorks in Love, F/F, Family, Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, Jealousy, Language, M/M, Masturbation, Melodrama, Mild Sexual Content, Nerdiness, POV Simon, Pop Culture, Rating: PG13, Romance, Schmoop
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 11:58:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15339393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roelliej/pseuds/roelliej
Summary: I sighed as I closed the door of my room and dropped myself onto the bed—it smelled so homely clean. I started to cry; tears falling like little bombs onto the sheets. I thought that unwillingly coming out to the entire fucking school was bad, but this was far worse...





	Simon vs The Green-Eyed Monster

“Oh, thank you, Simon,” my mother said, visibly trying to sound as sarcastic as possible as I handed over a kiloton of dirty laundry. “I was _so_ looking forward spending the entire weekend in the basement, washing your boxers. Son, you’ve just made me a very happy woman.”

“I love you, too?” I said, kissing her cheek. “No one could wash them cleaner than you, Mommy dearest.”

“Smartass,” she said, but a small smile rippled through her sneer. “You look a bit peaky, honey. And I’m not sure what to think of that three-day beard of yours.”

“I just didn’t have time to eat properly—or shave,” I said, looking in the mirror. She was right about the paleness.  Jesus, I looked like William The Bloody minus the Billy Idol-hairdo. What I needed was a bit of sleep and a couple of good meals. In other words, a weekend without bullshit. “Studying hard, you know.”

“You kids call that _studying_ now?” my old man said as he stepped into the hall to give me a hug, laughing the hardest about his own joke. He wasn’t the best comedian—he should begin with small audiences—and he looked like a complete fool with that horrible purple hipster scarf. I wouldn’t change him for one bit, though. I answered his hug enthusiastically and poured all the love I had for that man into it. Maybe a bit too much as my _tough guy-_ persona started to crumble. Tears started to form in the corners of my eyes, and I had to use all my willpower to _not_ turn into a weeping pile of gay-flesh.

“Son, is everything alright?” my dad said, his eyes piercing mine—probably trying to read my mind with his Worried Dad Stare. “Is there something you need to tell us? We love you being at home for once, but I thought you’d prefer spending the weekend with...”

Why the fuck did Dad have to be so observant at that very moment. I turned away my face and swallowed down that nagging feeling that had been festering for quite some time. I tried to smile, but I bet I looked like a complete moron.  So I did what I do best: I went to my room, pretending the world is a goddamn carnival with the subtlety of Pennywise The Dancing Clown. _Beep, Beep, Simon!_

I sighed as I closed the door of my room and dropped myself onto the bed—it smelled so homely clean. I started to cry; tears falling like little bombs onto the sheets. I thought that unwillingly coming out to the entire fucking school was bad, but this was far worse. I fucked up. I fucked up so fucking bad that I fucking wished that it was nothing but a fucking nightmare. But it fucking wasn’t. It was fucking real. And fucking forever. Fan-fucking-goddamn-tastic, Mr. Simon fucking Spier!

Then I heard a knock on the door, disturbing the great depression and Sufjan Stevens’ poetic Prozac.

“What?!” I shouted, immediately regretting my outburst. Well done, Spier. Act like a bitch to the only people that still love you! Maybe it was Nora—she had been so nice to me shortly after coming out. I loved her so much. And Alice—I really missed my two sisters...

“The prodigal son returns,” Leah Burke answered as she stepped into my room. “Your mother rang me that there was a Crisis on Infinite Earths-situation going on in her house. So here I am, and holy fuck, Batman. You’re looking like crap without your Boy Wonder—and I mean _me_ , just to be clear. I don’t want to know jack about the kinky shit you’re doing in your private time with...”

“You’re too good-looking to be a catamite,” I tried to joke through my tears, but Leah—my best buddy in the whole world—just shook her head.

“Simon, I love you to pieces—even when I haven’t heard from you in _weeks_ , you ungrateful dog,” Leah began as she sat onto the bed close to my head. “But sometimes, like now for instance, you deserve a severe kick in your nether regions. A the-Hound-planting-his-foot- into-Brienne-of-Tarth’s ham-wallet kind of kick.”

“What do you...?”

“Don’t take me for a fool, Simon Spier!” Leah said sharply, roughly ruffling my hair. “I know why you’re here, and not on campus playing Rumpleforeskin! You broke up with Bram, didn’t you?”

“F-fuck,” I whimpered, before laying my head on her knee, sobbing loudly. “I-I thought he had cheated on me. I saw him with another d-dude.”

“And just like that, you ended your relationship,” Leah whispered, dragging the truth out of me. “My beautiful, conclusions-drawing drama queen.”

“Leah, I was so angry,” I wailed. “I said things that I shouldn’t have said. Bram wasn’t even angry. He was hurt. And seeing Bram like that hurts so fucking much!”

“I know, baby,” Leah said, stroking my hair.

“And now I’ve lost him forever.”

“And this is the part where I freeze-frame the scene,” Leah said, demanding eye contact with a hand gesture. “And this is the part where I tell you to _not_ act like a fucking pussy! Life isn’t The Bold and the Beautiful, Simon.”

“But...”

“You had a fight,” Leah interrupted bluntly. “So fucking what?”

“It was our first _real_ fight,” I mumbled, all teary-eyed and confused. “I really wanted to hit him after he had denied having an affair.”

“ _Did_ you hit him?”

“No, of course not!” I snapped, almost in shock. “I couldn’t live with myself if I...”

“Then snap out of it!” Leah said sharply. I closed my eyes, expecting a slap. It didn’t come. “Do you really think that Abby and I never fight? Or that I never have the urge to hit her? You know why I don’t? Because I love her. And because fighting is needed sometimes to blow off some steam. And you know what’s also good about having a fight?”

“What?”

“Making up after,” Leah said eagerly, winking suggestively.

The thought alone of making up with Bram _that_ way made my trousers a tad uncomfortable. I crossed my legs and swallowed audibly.

“So now what?”

“Do you want me to spell it, Si? Call him! Right fucking now!”

My hands started to shake as I was looking for my phone, only to realise that it was still in my pocket.

“Leah, I’m scared,” I whispered as I felt my heart beating like a madman. “I’ve never been so scared in my entire fucking life.”

“I know you are, Si,” Leah whispered back, smiling. “But you’re still going to make that phone call. Because you are my goddamn superhero. You’re Wonder Woman with some extra luggage and today you’ll use the Lasso of Truth on yourself.”

“Amazons forever,” I said as I grabbed my phone.

 I exhaled louder than normal and I typed in Bram’s number. Leah smiled at me in an encouraging way as the dialling tone nearly drove me crazy.

_“Si?”_

My lip started to tremble like that of a sad toddler trying not to cry. And before I could stop myself, fresh tears were covering the nearly dried ones while I tried as hard as I could to _not_ crush Leah’s hand.

_“Baby, don’t cry...”_

“B-Brammy, I’m s-so s-s-sorry,” I stammered, feeling like I’ve been hit with one of Ginny Weasley’s infamous Bat-Bogey Hexes—very embarrassing, to be honest. “I’m such a worthless cu—.”

_“Language, Mr Spier!”_

I started to laugh as Bram did his trademark—and very awful—Captain America-impression to break the already broken ice.

_“But seriously now. We have to talk about what happened, Si. Soon.”_

“I could get into my car right now and...”

_“Tomorrow, baby. I think we both need some time to cool down.”_

I knew he was right, but it still hurt a bit. And I really wasn’t in the mood to be cross-examined by my parents—my Mom was by far the best _bad cop_ in the country.

_“Now that’s all said and done: what are you wearing? Please tell me you’re naked, because I’m sitting here with a raging...”_

“Oh dear, do I hear Abby calling that dinner’s ready? Man, where does the time go? Bye, Simon. Love you, Simon. Have a great day, Simon. “

Before I could open my mouth, Leah was gone, a glimpse of her flushed face still burned into my retina. I smiled as I lowered my zip. She understood. She always did.

_“Oh fuck, I didn’t know Leah was in the room.”_

“No worries, baby,” I said huskily as my fingers closed around my rapidly growing arousal. “Now, what were you saying about your _rage_?”

 

~*~

 

“Hello?”

_“What are you wearing, Abraham?”_

“Oh, it’s you.”

_“Now, now. Is that the way you speak to the person who does so much for you?”_

“Fuck you, man! Seriously...”

 _“Maybe it’s better for all of us if I tell Simon about our little—_ agreement _...”_

“You keep your fucking mouth shut, you hear me? Simon almost caught us last time!”

_“Dude, don’t get your balls in a twist. I was only joking. And he didn’t recognise me, did he?”_

“That’s not the fucking point, you brainless asshole!”

_“You succeeded in working things out with Spier, I reckon?”_

“Yes, we did, but we have to be more careful next time. I’m not sure if I can fix things between us if he sees you and me together again.”

 _“So, there will be another_ date _?”_

“What choice do I have? And FYI, don’t flatter yourself! You’re not _that_ good.”

_“I’m good enough that you still need my devoted attention.”_

“And you need me as well, don’t ever forget that!”

 _“We’re in this together,_ chaveer _. So stop resisting me, and enjoy.”_

“You’re pathetic...”

_“I just wanted to know when our next meeting will be. Tomorrow?”_

“It has to be after seven—Simon will be off to campus by then.”

_“Same place?”_

“No! I’ll text you the place tomorrow.”

 _“Cool. Looking forward to it. Should I keep it bushy down there or do you prefer Brazilian wax—_ baby _?”_

“I really hate you, you know?!”

_“I love you, too, Brammy. Toodles!”_

“Fuck you, Martin!”

**Author's Note:**

> Much thanks to my dear friend DS for the beta-check! <3


End file.
